Welcome Back
It has been a long time since I have had the audacity to publish anything here on this website. In the time that has passed, I have worked a variety of different jobs, seen various parts of the country, reconnected with friends from years ago, and set out on the endeavor of trying to figure out who I am.
I am constantly asking myself, “What is it that you would like to be doing right at this very moment?” Perhaps it is immature of me to ask such a question, but the insight provided by the answer is clear.
For months now, I have wanted to travel in a capacity that I have never experienced before. This is for a variety of reasons, the greatest of which is the desire to learn and experience what the world around me has to offer. I want to spread my wings and fly like I have never flown before. And in this time of exploration, I want to go back to writing for the purpose of expressing my emotions in a way that is unreserved.
There is a part of me that is beginning to realize that all of my expectations for myself are self-imposed. There is no external force or pressure demanding every waking moment of my life be sacrificed unnecessarily. There are no strings pulling me toward a life that is arbitrarily defined as meaningful. Instead, I already have everything I need to be gratified in this moment.
The strangest thing about this thought processes is that I do not feel like I am pursuing immediate gratification by neglecting my responsibilities. Of course there are things to be done, and essays to write, and lab reports to compose, but instead of finding my purpose in those, I am finding my purpose in myself. Instead of chasing after fulfillment, I am starting to realize that I already have everything I need to be fulfilled.
As a consequence, I have decided to withdraw from a lot of the demanding social interactions in my life. This is not a way to remove myself from these people, but an open door for people to decide whether I am someone they want to be a part of their life or not. As I sit back, I have a chance to see who my true friends really are. These are the people who have decided, regardless of my attitude or inability to be a good friend, that they want me to be a part of their life.
It has been amazing to see how many people choose to ignore you if you don’t first acknowledge them. It is incredible to see how many people are more concerned about what’s happening in their small world, than exploring life from a larger prospective. In deciding to remove myself from a lot of the demanding social aspects of my life, I can finally begin to see what it means to be a good friend.
Furthermore, I have realized that life is far too short to be concerned about the meaningless things. For each of us, this is different, but for me, it means ignoring the parts of my life that feel the most toxic. There are things that we all do that make us sick to our stomachs for one reason or another, yet we still choose to do those things anyways. We willingly sacrifice the gifts we have been given on the alters of other people’s false gods. Why do we do this?
To be entirely honest, I have absolutely no idea.. Part of my wishes that we collectively had the courage to stop engaging in such ridiculous activities, but then another part of me thinks that it is in these moments that we are able to build the most character.
Whether we like it or not, the world will continue to spin regardless of our intervention. Perhaps, then, the most powerful tool we have is self sacrifice.
For months I have wondered if people value my gifts and abilities, or if I would be better off bottling those things up inside. What if one day I decided to leave the life I know in pursuit of something entirely new? What if I shook off the dust and chased something new?
No, just as the solution to a struggling marriage is not divorce, so too the answer to these questions is not total abandonment of what already is.
If I consider the opportunities I have been given, I know deep down that every one of these opportunities was a gift. Every potential friendship was a blessing in disguise. Every flawed institution that I have had the opportunity to be a part of was a chance for me to leave a positive impact for change. However, the outcome of those actions is irrelevant.
Right now I am most concerned about surrounding myself with people who want to make the most of what they have been given. I want to surround myself with people who cherish what it is that we can offer one another, selflessly, in total abandonment of our immediate gratification. Right now, I am most concerned about giving people the opportunity to use the gifts and talents that make each of us who we are.
There is a delicate balance that exists between assuring our own sanity, and giving back to the world that makes us who we are. For me, this means posting short articles again, purely about whatever it is that crosses my mind. But it also means pouring all of myself into giving others the chance to do the same for themselves, not literally, but in whatever way is best for them. And who knows, perhaps I am a hopeless romantic babbling nonsense that no one will ever read, but then again, perhaps this is the first article of many that allows me to realize the truest version of myself, in the context of the amazing world around me.